Saturday, 6 September 2008

Light Relief - New Job Vacancy at Answers in Genesis UK

Olde, Harrold and Nicholas, Recruitment Consultants and Head Hunters

Recruitment and Head Hunting firm, Olde, Harrold and Nicholas is pleased to announce that we have been retained by Britain’s world-beating centre of scientific excellence, Answers in Genesis UK, to fill the current vacancy of chief executive. The position arises from the sudden departure of its previous incumbent to spend more time bashing his Bible.

This UK subsidiary of a leading American producer of thermally enhanced combined atmospheric gases is located on a prestigious trading estate in the East Midlands. The position involves reporting directly to the main terrestrial subsidiary and its agent on earth, President Ken Ham. Answers in Genesis operates in the highly competitive global market of making money.

You will be responsible for a substantial team of up to nearly two non-practising world-class scientists as well as its charitable arm for relieving the public of the considerable burden of having excessive amounts of cash.

As Answers in Genesis is at the forefront of cutting-edge science, we are seeking candidates with an outstanding and exemplary track record in the natural sciences, outstanding communications skills and strong conservative convictions.

You should be familiar with and extensively well-read in all aspects of science, notably and exclusively the Bible, except the bit about the ninth commandment. (Catholics need not apply.)

Knowledge of herpetology, particularly serpentes, and biochemistry would be exceedingly useful. Candidates must demonstrate a proven track record in research, testing, application and sales of oil and oil-based compounds derived from serpentes. Experience of use of venom in an advanced primate environment would also be valuable, especially where it could be applied to Creation Ministries International.

We are particularly keen to interview candidates with experience of producing science in challenging areas of controversy. You will be required to produced a substantial list of precisely no published peer reviewed scientific papers whatsoever, demonstrate a successful career to date of being totally ignored by the entire scientific community and being ridiculed repeatedly by the Guardian newspaper.

You will have earned or purchased your PhD from a leading international university, such as the European Theological Seminary or the Pacific International University. You must demonstrate that your PhD has taken no less than 11 weeks to research and write up and cost upwards of £500. The University must be recognised by Bryant and May (USA) or any other leading vendor of packets of matches advertising such institutions. You must demonstrate that your research is original, such as showing it first appeared in Reader’s Digest or equivalent learned sources published by DC Thompson in Dundee.

You must have experience of negotiating and presenting at the highest levels of the international scientific and academic world, such as Lisburn Town Council. You must be widely connected throughout the scientific community, notably to GCSE candidates (expected grades E and F).

Past successful exposure to zoonotic neuroinvasive hydrophobia would be a considerable advantage in the communicative skills required for the position. An ability to call up bovine peristalsis in public debate would also be highly desirable. Fluency in both written and spoken Diarrheoa and an ability to verbally remove two of the rearward appendages of Equus asinus are essential. Our client does not require any knowledge of science, or anything else, in applying these skills.

An ability to speak in tongues and roll about on the floor would be an advantage

The candidate will be expected to demonstrate business development skills to exploit opportunities arising from necrophilia and witchcraft in Australia.

This is not a permanent appointment as the successful candidate may be raptured into heaven at any time.

Our client offers a highly competitive salary complete with fringe benefits including free faith healing and life ever after in a warm, welcoming environment operated by our subsidiary, Olde, Harrold and Nicholas Retirement Homes (Underworld) PLC.

Answers in Genesis is an equal opportunities employer. No liberals, women, gays, non-believers or anyone who knows what they are talking about need apply.

Interested applicants should send a resume and CV to:

Kenneth McBonkers BA (BJU)
Olde, Harrold and Nicholas
Hayseed House
2, Horns and Ayetail Place
LE1 666

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